Self-discovering + Happy New Year 2011!

Hope everyone had a good Christmas and hope the blues don't kick in anytime soon!

Ah, yes the blues. The post-Christmas blues. Which I got before Christmas even started! In honesty, it's been a very hectic week and a bit for myself, there's been things happening and shit flying around and you know, just the bad things in life. I've been doing my best to counter all of this, I've been trying to keep up with the rest, been trying to feel what's right and forget the negativity of the recent events... That I could do. Well, not that I could, but I had to. I had to put it all behind me, or risk losing something of an ultimate importance to me. I guess that's what they call accelerated acceptance of something, because you don't get time or the opportunity to think about it, you just have to hurry up and swallow something because the consequences that lay in wait are too strong. Well, I've done that and I managed to avoid the deadly consequences of the matter and... Things still don't feel right.

I don't know how to put this the subtle way, but there are times in life where you just feel really lost and you don't know what to do... There are times where we all feel like we're alone and can't move on or feel like there isn't anyone to talk to about our own problems... But that's not my situation, those I've just stated do not apply to me because I do have someone to talk to, I don't feel entirely lost, but I just don't know how to deal with my next step... Normally I'll just say I'll cross a bridge when I come to it, but now that I'm at that bridge... I don't know how to cross it! I don't know what to do, how to deal with my issues, what to say and most importantly, I don't know how to face it. I cannot face my problems alone, I feel like my candle's been blown out and it's so hard to get it relit...

I have made some wrong decisions in life, and even really serious mistakes and recently some childish and selfish acts which have had an adverse effect on my life, which eventually led to a scarring of my heart. It's a scar, and it's still a wound- I still haven't recovered yet, mainly due to an immense fear of a repercussion... I've heard things that were untold of, things I didn't want to hear, things I didn't know and things I was doing wrong... But all this time I thought I was right, I thought I was going the right direction, thought it was okay... But this time, this time it was evidently not. I'm scared. I don;t know how to face it anymore, I feel like I'm adding a weight to the problems, but I'm still hanging on by a thread because it means so much to me... My life depends on it, it is like the sun to the flowers, or the sea to the fish it houses... She is my life source, I depend on her to keep me going...

Either way, I've got to put it all behind me. It's time to turn over a new leaf, I've got to change my ways and live up to expectations... I'm going to try and be a better man, and in general just a nicer guy... I guess that counts as an early New Year's resolution? I hope it works out, because right now I'm just a dump, and I hate to see myself like this... Give me strength.

Oh, and I wish everyone has a Happy New Year and all the best for 2011!

Why Do I Even Bother?

Been a while, hasn't it? I think I seem to say that everytime I post a new blog up on here... Does that mean I don't blog as much anymore? I guess that's what it says, but I do get pretty busy these days, and anyway, who wants to read my blog anyway? It's just a whole lot of ranting about how shit I am and why my life is so depressed. I don't even know why I bother anymore. I don't know why I even bother to be nice in this sodden fucking shit life that I exist in. I don't know why I have to do all the things that I do and then get no acknowledgement of the slightest bit whatsoever. Why do I bother?

Why do I bother planning everything down to the most detailed spot, yet in return I am treated like shit. I don't get the appreciation I feel like I deserve. Why do I think this? There are plenty examples, but for reasons classified, I won't state them here. Probably because it's going to be a very long list. Nevermind though, I'm sure most who read this blog will probably know what I mean by that anyway. I'm only writing this because I've just been through a very stressful and anxious 30 minutes of my day... I can't help but to vent my anger through this blog. Why this blog though? Because no one reads it. I'm not allowed to post on Facebook because "other people will read it". Yes, because other people will read what I post, I think that was the point of Facebook in the first place... How much longer till my anger dies down? I don't know. Don't ask, and don't even think about it. I'm going to sleep in the living room now. Night night.

Stuck In A Moment That I Can't Get Out Of.

God, time does fly by. Even when you're not having fun. But every now and then I guess we need to have an off day, and I had a couple of those last week. I guess they were quite good, but not entirely good, if you know what I mean. I was off, but only physically, because I believe we all have things to do whether we're having a day off or not. I mean, technically speaking a day off is just a day where you don't have anything urgent to do or just nothing to do entirely. But before we forget and drift freely in our "free" day, we mustn't disregard the other things we have put aside in order to have this free day. As they say in Economics, "there is no such thing as a free lunch." Well the same applies to days, you can never have a free day. Where in Economics, it describes that everything comes with a price, whether it is foreseeable or not, whether it can be seen or not, there is always a price. For example, you may think the air that we breathe is free, but is it really? You probably haven't thought about the many people who have died in order to fight for a fresher breath of air... And the same goes for a free day, in exactly the same way, what have we actually given up in order to have this free day? The putting off of work till the next day? Blocking out any work colleagues' calls and messages? Lying to work about a strange illness which you haven't indeed contracted? The possibilities are endless, it's just a matter of whether we are aware of such costs or not.

So let's go back to last week, I had a couple of these so-called "free" days, and expectedly, the effects of the costs have caught up with me. The costs I had to pay in order to get some free time? I had to ignore the beckoning of my upcoming VIVA assessment which is worth 40% of one module in my course, and I had to ignore the pleas of my seminar preparation work to do them in order to have my free days. Now, I have to do my work in a shorter space of time and still at the same quality. Bummer.

Not only does putting work off make you feel stressed, but it also makes you down. It can have a manner of effects on the mind but overall it makes you deeply solemn about everything on earth. It is as if everything was thrown at you by the world and you didn't know how to handle it at all. I have this feeling now. I get this feeling a lot. I'm always down, grey and just really negative most of the time now, because I've been putting my academic work second in priority as first priority has been given to my girl... I don't know if this is the right way to go, nor do I know how I can reverse the priorities with the least amount of turbulence... But all I know is one thing, I'm stuck in a moment that I can't get out of. It's true. I just don't know how to handle anything, it's like when you're tackling a lot of things and you thinking that you're doing fine, but then another massive load of stuff gets thrown your way... And then you suddenly can't cope and you can't even do what you were doing before you got thrown the extra shit. I think that is me.

I'm almost immobile now. I'm immobile in the snow, my car get stuck every now and then, and my mind also gets stuck as well. My mind can't cope with the horrendous weather and the shit that comes with it. I'm feeling so alone, I don't know why. I really don't know why sometimes I get these bouts of emotion fluctuation. But I think a lot of it comes from not being able to respond and handle emotional and relationship matters properly, which is a big problem because... How do you go and sort some relationship problem out... When it's pulling you down? When it's getting you down in whatever you do... Whatever you see... Whatever you think...? Sometimes I feel like I just can't cope with it all and want to get away from it all... But I just can't bring myself to be so weak! I can't be weak because I know there are other people who are weaker than I am and need my protection and care... If I fall weak, then how will they cope on themselves? For this reason, I must stay strong, I mustn't fall, I must do better and I will do better until I can eventually release myself from this burden and all of this negativity... Just watch me... I can defeat this emotional low...

One Mustn't Grumble.

Don't know what it is lately. Just been so tired, tired from all the work I've got to do, tired of all the jobs I've undertake, tired of all the stress I'm burdened with... Guess one has to trudge along with it though sometimes, I mean, afterall aren't we born to deal with our own problems? We were born for a reason, I'm not sure what reason it was but I'm thinking it wasn't to be a burden on others or to take burdens from others.

It's been a while since I last picked up my metaphorical pen and wrote a blog, what's been up? Things have changed in a short period of time and I don't know whether I'm handling it all properly or not. I don't seem to have a direction anymore, I don't feel like I'm needed for anything anymore, just feel like I don't belong anywhere. Why does it always come to this? Why do I always feel like I'm the only one left out? Isolated? Does this make me depressed? Or does it provide a question to my way of life, the path I've taken, the things I've done? In the short 20 years I've been on the face of this Earth, I feel like I've done everything wrong, everything up to date is just wrong. I get the feeling like I need a restart button in my life, just take everything away from me and just let me start again, maybe this time round I will be able to do the right things... But that would be cheating, right?

In retrospective, I have made some pretty stupid mistakes in life... And to remind myself of them is twice as stupid, makes me feel a bit weird, makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't have done that after all... If I had the ability, the courage to do so, there's so many things to say to so many people regarding my past conduct... There's so much to say to the friends I didn't become friendlier with, so many more friends to be made! But I guess if it's come to this stage, the only way to go is forward, I guess that's why I'm still in existence really.

I have no idea what I'm saying, I'm not drunk but I'm not really in the right state of mind either... Things have happened today which... Generally speaking don't make me feel so good. I've been living a weird day today, it's been hard to get through all the way till now... How long will it be before I can truly express what is on my mind? Why do I have to keep things from other people? Why must I always be the one to stay silent and take things as they come along? I guess I'm just born with this duty, I wasn't built for voicing my opinions, I was made to bear the brunt of things, anything, anytime, anywhere. I always thought a blog would help me clear my mind... But even now, I feel insecure writing to a virtual space about myself, my experiences and my thoughts... Why have I not learnt to trust this entity yet? I'm sure that day will come soon, if not naturally, I'll have to force myself to place my trust in it because frankly speaking, I don't really know who to turn to now to release my mind...

How can one feel so... Indescribable?

God, it's been a pretty boring day today. Wake up, get the repair guys to come tow my car away, lounge around in the house, that's it really.

It wasn't until today, when I thought that maybe there is more to life than the generic rhythm that I've been constantly repeating for the past few weeks. There's a lot more to life than just badminton and work it seems, I guess. I was going to get out the house today with my bike, but it turned out that my bike tyres were out of air, and to make it worse the air pump at home works off the cigarette lighter in the car. Bugger. So I thought maybe I could push it to Sainsbury's and get some air there, but then it started raining. My day couldn't get any worse, I swear. And thus, commenced a whole day at home listening to music, watching Gintama and trying to get myself to play old PS3 games... This is not the life I want, I realised. I don't want a life where I'm not doing anything, because when you've got nothing to do, it's really hard to pass the time. You watch the hands of the clock tick by, but somehow they never seem to reach the hour you want. I just wanted to sleep the day away, that's how bad I was, but I summoned every inch of self-discipline in me and managed to stay away from the bed. I chained myself to my desktop instead.

In addition to the recent events that have occurred lately, I also found it harder and harder to find a reason to live. I don't know why this is, but it's just what suddenly popped into my mind today. I can't really pinpoint why I have come to be in existence, but at the same time there really isn't anything pushing me away from it either. I rang May today, for the first time in about 48 hours, it was probably the only relief I had today but in the end I just got disappointed. I won't go into specifics, but that's how I felt a few hours later. I don't know why I'm being especially negative today, but I'm feeling really down, maybe it's got something to do with my car being repaired? Maybe. Perhaps it's because I keep getting told of things that'll happen, but never eventually do? Could be. Who knows? I can almost see the million question marks floating just above my head right now, if I had anymore I'm sure they'd just drop down and smash over my head. Providing they were made of a smashable material.

I've found that recent days have proven to me, the only solid, 100%, never changing, un-variable method to getting happiness is within the world of videos. Happy ones, of course. They never let you down, they're made to entertain, and they guarantee to put a smile on your face. It's ironic, isn't it... Something manmade, yet possesses the ability to provide every time you need it.. Then why can't humans do that? Why can't we give when we're asked to (under normal circumstances) and why can't we keep promises that we promise to keep? Weird things, promises. You try hard not to break one, but then another goes and breaks theirs. Why do we even have them? They're just there to be broken, no other useful reason for existence, really. A bit like rules. But then again you don't tend to get so much of a kick breaking rules than promises...

Gintama... The only food for my mind... Good job I still have 70 episodes to get through. I think I'll probably be able to make it through them all before May gets back. Maybe only then, will I not need them. We'll see.

I was brought up to withstand such problems...

Okay, I've just had like the first proper car crash in my driving life and it wasn't exactly spectacular... I can't really believe I drove into a bollard?! I mean, wtf man geeeeeeeeeeez why does this has to happen to me at this time? I'm not really exactly having a whale of a time myself right now, but to add this to my list of fucked up things that's happened this month is just adding more hurt to me... Sigh, if only I was a little less hungry, then maybe I wouldn't have hit that bollard... Was simply too hungry for NANDOS and managed to hit the fucking bollard which isn't NORMALLY THERE. Aghhhh man, this is bad... What a low blow... To make it worse... I have to come home not to sympathetic comments but damning statements from my parents, how I'll have a really high insurance premium next year, how it'll cost a lot to fix, blah blah blah... But that's okay, I was brought up to withstand such small and insignificant changes in my life, I can handle it, I can pull through fine, I was made for bigger things in life, I know it!! I'll be fine, I'll just be in a courtesy car for a while... While they replace the whole front bumper/grille T_T

iPad.

Okay, long time since I ain't blogged.. But it's been a very frustrating day for me today...

Well, only one thing happened, but that was enough to make me explode.

I was in town, I was going to buy myself an iPad on finance. But I couldn't, because my credit rating is low. So I thought, fair play I guess I better check out my credit score...

I went home, went online and found my score, it's pretty poor. But you know what? It's got nothing to do with late repayments or anything, the worse thing about my credit report is my outstanding balance of £14,200 for my Alfa.

The credit score is dependent on many factors, and the amount of money you owe is one of them. I couldn't buy my iPad because I have a car to keep, and why? I ask myself so many times why I must suffer such a fate... But there's no helping it, I can't do anything about it, my parents refuse to buy me a car so I end up having to buy it myself. And because I have to buy it myself, I have this massive debt on my shoulders to repay... Now I can't afford anything on finance, simply because I have this sum of money to pay back... Why? Why can't my parents just help me out with my car repayments? I have no idea why. But I can tell you this. It's really really difficult for a 20 year old to buy their own car and afford everything else for themselves...

Time Waits For Nobody

3rd July 2009, I was at Lovaine, I think, with my awesome mate WTFman celebrating his birthday.

3rd July 2010, I'm in Los Angeles writing this blog after I've facebooked him and sent him his birthday salutations.

What happened in between these two dates? What happened in the year that took place in between? There's too much to write in this blog, but most of the 365 days in between, I spent with my amazing girlfriend. Although I can definitely say we haven't spent those days always happy (some were spent arguing and bickering) but overall it has been one amazing year. I have been through quite a lot with her, ever since we started dating last year February so I guess we're quite the couple... We've travelled to different places together, been in at least one near death experience together, done many things first time together, it just feels weird to think that eventually there'll be a time where we'll have to part. And I'm not talking about death.

I don't know whether you know this or not, but I've just finished first year at university and heading on to second year in September. May, has just finished second year and heading onto third and final year at Northumbria. I quit university the first year round because it was shit, it was hell for me and hell for everyone who I moaned to, it just wasn't working for me. And meeting May made it even worse for me- I just lost what was left of my motivation and eventually made a mess of my exams and eventually made the decision of changing degrees. I thought life was going to be easier after I dropped out, but starting university again was quite a challenge for me, I just couldn't get round to working hard, I just didn't know how to study anymore- hence the horrendous results I achieved for first year, but fortunately still managed to make it into second year... My course is a total of four years which means I've still got three to go whilst May only has one more to get through... And what's going to happen at the end of the next year? I can only speculate, but the answer isn't going to be easy for me, or her for that matter. With her being an international overseas student, she's going to have to go back home. And me? I'll still be in university studying... For something I don't want to do. I don't know how I'm going to get past this year you know. I need to get my act together and clean up my mistakes, but at the same time I want to spend this year entirely with May, our final year together... I keep telling myself it'll work out in the end, but I know for a fact I'm just lying to myself, I know it's not going to work and I know we're going to have to separate. Just look what happened to Lawrence and Ivelyn... They're a prime example of what's going to happen to us, and it's not pretty.

I don't want to lose her you know. I don't feel like I want to let go. I want to spend my life with her, and if you think that's a lot to say about, trust me I know what I want. But in times like these, you gotta be realistic, life's cruel and you just gotta live with it. There's seemingly nothing I can do to extend our time together, but I just don't know what to feel and what to think. I've always said I was a hearts over head person, I just don't like logic, I don't like realism. I want my fantasies, I want to do what I want, I want to be with the person I love for the rest of my life... Is that really so much to ask for? If it is, then there is nothing I can say... But for those who don't think it's a lot, then why does fate always turn us away from each other? Why can it never do something good instead of having to separate lovers from each other? This confuses me, and I am infinitely saddened by this harsh reality... How I wil have to deal with the trauma of her leaving me... How I'll be all alone again in this world... I wish not to sound so depressing, but in such a situation, is there really any other emotion I should be embracing? An answer... If you please... Somebody...

~BRio 69

Emotions... Why can they not be replicated?

Time is a weird thing, sometimes it can go quite fast yet sometimes and most times, it passes quite slowly... How can such a thing be so variable? How can such a dependable tool be so unstable? I guess it depends on how you look at it really, how you feel and how you experience it... Well, for me right now, I guess it's slowing down and I'm slowly beginning to stop and realise what things I have to accomplish and what things I really want to do.

It's times like these when I wish that time would once again pass quickly again, but no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to happen- just the same old slow ticking of the clock, the same old slow flashing of the second colons my watch. I wish I could wake up and then realise it's September again, and realise that the one next to me is my girl... It's a shame that I can't manipulate time, but I guess that's fine when there's the internet and I can contact her at any time of the day and then I realise there's no need for time and space manipulation because technology's made it possible for me to be with her all the time...

But as we all know, nothing except the real thing is ever going to get close to the real thing, because all the sentimental values in the real thing are unique and exclusive only to it. Anything else just dismisses anything close to those values; they can try, but it'll never be the same. It truly baffles me that, even with the advance of technology in recent years, we still haven't been able to replicate human emotions through computers, and there isn't even any decent attempt at it... I can only sit and wait until such a contraption is invented... Then maybe I can live with the fact that within the next 2 years she is going to leave me... And all that I can do is stand and watch as she leaves....

~BRio

Bloody Valentine's.

Weird. A blog at a time like this is like a cup of tea in the middle of a war. I have no desire to write on this blog much these days, mainly because I have little time and what time I have I use to do other things. But why now? Just a couple of days after Valentine's and I feel utterly compelled to write myself yet another depressing yet somehow poetic blog entry...

You know, sometimes in life there are things which you do which you thought was a good idea at the time, but then shortly afterwards you realise that you didn't really want to do that but oops too late you've sealed the deal. Yes. Hands up if you are thinking yes. I've got my hand up because I'm metaphorically stuck between two islands in the sea and I don't have the strength to get myself to either side. Why? Well, to put it into context, here's the lowdown...

I went to Alfa Romeo yesterday looking at the MiTo, because I thought it'd be funny to get an appraisal on my car to see how much I'd get if I traded mine in. Bad idea. I got the quote back and within a nanosecond I was thrown into this metaphoric hurricane which I couldn't quite get out of. I thought, "yeah it looks good, drives well... Why don't I just buy it?" which was what I did today. Bad idea number 2. May wasn't happy, and we've had this massive row over it (I won't go into specifics) and somehow I'm regretting the fact that I paid the deposit. I'm now required to get some details of my dad so he can be my guarantor, this was a problem- I hadn't told him of my amazing 3 minute plan to buy a new car, plus he was a million gazillion miles away in HK. Shit happens. I'm going to have to ring him up later and tell him the whole story and then he'll start trying to put holes into my reasoning as to why I should get a new car and whatnot. Nightmare. Suddenly, I don't feel too well right now... That coffee that I'm drinking now seems to be slowly making its way up through my stomach up my oesophagus and slowly into my oral cavity and soon to come out again in the form of baby food. Not nice.

But then again, what are the lessons I'm about to learn from this episode? I'm not really a very good shopper/I have no self-restriction when it comes to buying things/I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to cars. Oh and don't ever throw a hissie-fit at May again because she'll end up shouting at me in my face with teary eyes which just isn't great for the mind especially when you've got a 30% piece of coursework essay meant to be handed in 3 days later... And you've only just started.

But don't worry, with me being the ever-positive guy I think I'll work a way round it and manage to talk my dad round it and then I'll get my car, have my career back on track and then I'll be fine on my way. Hopefully. Fingers crossed. Touchwood. That is, if I'll make it through tonight without May coming home and black-facing me for the rest of the night and snarling at me frequently. Shit.

~BRio the 69 @ Home.