Life, and everything that resides within...

I hate saying this, but everytime I seem to come and write a blogpost, it's already been a year or two since the last post...

Well, growing up isn't easy you know, things get more boring, more tediou and more complicated- there just isn't much time to blog unless it's your job. And even then, it's hard to find time to keep a personal blog. I tried my hand at writing in a diary for a couple of times this year, and last year- shame it never really took off, I just gave up after a month or two.

So why am I back? Well, sometimes a guy's got to confide in someone in his matters but does not want that someone to be someone he knows. He just wants somebody to know, but not his family, not even his friends, nor even his closest bros. I have to put it out there right now- I feel alone. I don't feel lonely, I feel alone. I don't know what the technical difference is between the two, however it feels more "right" to say I feel alone, but then again this may be down to the fact that I don't want to feel sorry for myself- but how am I to know? We are all but victims to our subconsciousness.

I feel that, as we age, we see things in a different light. Yes, I know that everyone out there has been saying the same words as I am mouthing now, but I have to say- you don't understand what it means until it hits you like a brick with a tag saying "growing up" attached. In the past couple of years since my last blog post, I have been through a few different relationships, met new friends, lost friends and seen enough with my own eyes that I do not want to grow up anymore. It just isn't fun. Growing up sucks. You don't want to grow up until the day you die, it just hurts sometimes, you know? There have been many a time where I just wanted to settle down, settle for a compromise, settle for something less than I was capable of- perhaps even follow the tide of mediocrity as each day passes by. But no, I was unable to do so- was it because of my inherent "fighting spirit", or because I always felt like I had something to hold on to, something to fight for? I questioned myself many times, and each time I kept pushing on, kept striving for better things, for more than what I was capable of, and each time I found myself getting further in life's rat race. But what does it all mean? In my efforts to make my life a better place, I lost sight of what I was doing, what I am doing. I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's going to happen, and it's bringing me down. I look back at my years so far and quite frankly, the past is looking much better than the future.

Never had I felt so alone before. I find myself here, on a Monday night, after work, without someone I want to talk to. Am I being picky? Or perhaps the people whom I want to talk to are here. I don't know. This blog is my last resort. I have my reservations. There are things I know I don't want to talk to my friends and family about, and I just feel like this blog is the best place to talk about it- so let's get down to it.

I recently started another relationship with a girl, though not from the UK, but I met her here. We got on like a house on fire. We are the perfect match. Infact, I feel so strongly about her that I have planned to move over to China where she currently is, so as to further our relationship and hopefully make it to the next stage of life's big game. For her, I feel like I could give up the world; I feel like there is nothing more important than her right now at this point in time. But the trade offs are not to be taken lightly. A move to Asia would mean a loss of contact with my friends here in the UK (which, by the way, are dwindling by the day) and of course my bros. Ah yes, my bros. Brothers in name, strangers in practice. We used to be such good friends, so closely knitted that we may as well have been brothers in birth. But such good times were not to last, as one by one, each of us left this city in pursuit of other endeavours- studies, and work, basically. The void between us five now has widened to such an extent that I feel like we may have been better off not to be brothers in the first place. Why should we share such awkwardness now, when we could still be good friends? Why can we not share a drink without having the awkward silence there to accompany us? I mourn for the brotherhood which we once cherished so much. But as I said, as we age, so do our values, our perception of things which we once cherished and loved. I, for one, still hold onto this brotherhood as if it was what it had used to be. But the others? I may not be able to read minds, but I am not blind either.

That is why I say, although the trade offs for leaving this barren place are heavy, I am willing to make this leap. I want to get out there and make a name for myself. Perhaps only then, will this void within my heart be filled. But will it make me less of a person, to forget those who made me who I am today? To forsake their support in my early years, in pursuit of a future where I can live comfortably, knowing I have worked hard to secure my future? The trade off may be big. But right now, I am ready to make this sacrifice. For those who do not cherish, need not be cherished. I will make this sacrifice. I will work hard for the future which I have envisioned for so long. But please, forgive me if I forget your faces in the process, as I have no choice. In my hour of need, I find those who I trusted are out of reach. In my darkest hour, who was there, but my reflection in the mirror?

Perhaps I expect too much of people these days. Sometimes it's easier to get things done by yourself. However, I still have an inkling of hope, and belief that great things are achieved through the support of one's peers. One day, I will be back. And one day, I will remember those who had seen me through my early days. But for now, the only way is East. I hope they're prepared.

Positivity

It's been a while since I last posted, and to be honest if I were to say a lot has happened in between, it would be an understatement. Not just a lot of things have happened during this time, but an immeasurable amount of events have rolled out before myself and forced me to react in ways I've never done before... So much to handle!

Anyway, I'm not going to concentrate on anything that's happened during the break on blogging that I've had but instead, I will focus on the present. Why? Because although I have a love of looking back, I really need to focus on the present and future and really, the present is all that matters, right?

As I went through some previous blog entries I found that throughout my life as a blogger, and my life, I have been mostly negative, living like the world didn't give two shits about me. Well, on that latter fact, yes that's true, but I think I've come far enough to realise that sometimes it's not how the world treats you... It's how you take it. If life gives you lemons... Just ignore it man. When you start to realise this I guess you tend to have a brighter outlook on life and you enjoy it more. Live and let die. Now I'm not suggesting anyone to go and become one of those "yolo" idiots running around thinking it's cool to be doing suicidal/daring/stupid acts, but more of enjoying what's left of one's precious life. Everyday I wake up facing the same problem and everyday I come up with no solutions, it gets to a point where you just say, "screw this, I'm going to live like everyday is my last..."

And so, that's what I do. I enjoy the things I do, I do things I want and most importantly I'm trying to get everyone else included! I don't want to leave anyone out of anything, because to be honest if I enjoy doing something I'm sure others would enjoy it too, and why should they be left out? So basically that's why I'm trying to be more positive in life, forgive but not forget, try and be nice to everyone... Well, that's a lie. Being mean is so much fun.

So go on, live your life to its fullest, try not to worry so much and just enjoy! That's what I'm doing!

~BRio

Hong Kong - Day 4 (02/07/12)

Why is there no day 3 I hear you say? Well, it's not every day that I get the luxury of having time and internet coincide in order to be able to write a blog entry you know! Infact I'm writing this from the future... It is now day 6 in HK...

I spent my afternoon playing badminton! I was warned by my parents about how I should not proceed to go and play with these people I have met online incase I was the next victim of a scam which involved playing badminton, because you know how bad these HK people are... Well, turns out they're not as bad as my parents had speculated them to be. There were 7 people including myself, the group consisted of one young guy (me), one mid-age woman (the organiser) and five older dudes (one of which is the woman's husband). They consisted of varying levels but none were so bad that were unplayable, so I guess it wasn't so bad as I had anticipated some low level players... I was relieved. All of them spoke English, which is very interesting as I had not thought that they would be English speakers, but the one thing which surprised me most is that none of them were youngsters! Why would no young people join their crew I wonder? Or is it simply a matter of not being able to find this group or vice versa? Who knows? Anyway, I am happy I did attend the badminton session as they were decent people with some level of skill, I will be playing them more over my stay here in HK so I will see how it goes...

After badminton I thought I would go round to Sai Wan to go to my aunt's to pick up some stuff and get ready to go for dinner with some family in Sheung Wan, but as my girl was in Causeway Bay, I went round to go meet up with her instead. We walked around a bit and had a bit of food as well (I hadn't had lunch yet) and then walked over to Wan Chai. Now, the reason why I said Wan Chai was because I had to snoop around and look for what I had came to HK for in the first place... PSVITA! Now I couldn't miss this chance, so I went to 188 Orient to have a look around for prices and eventually found a decent store so I bought it... Eventually!

There isn't much to say about dinner really...

I went back to MK and then I took the mini bus again back to SK thinking I shall get the taxi over to home from the harbour... But with it being a public holiday, turns out lots and lots of people had went on mini cruises out to sea that day, so a lot of people were waiting for the taxi at the harbour... There were lots of people waiting for the bus as well, forcing me to take a more traditional way of traversing these dangerous roads... Walking. I said I had the worst trip on foot this holiday the other day, but I think this one was probably worse... By a mile. I would never do that again!

Hong Kong - Day 2

Typhoon 8 only lasted 4 hours in the end, I could've waited but I guess that would've been ridiculous. I ended up waking at around 3pm and not surprisingly half my day had gone by already... Why do I feel that this isn't new to me, wasting time?

But hold on, what time am I wasting? I'm not even busy, I got nothing to do, I'm on holiday! Everyday is a day to relax! But why do I feel that my time here in HK not as relaxing as I thought it would be? It's hard enough dealing with my results hand out... I don't think I can handle much outside this spectrum... Emotion wise I think a little less pressure would be good...

Anyway, despite the late start I got back to SK and got changed. I decided to walk back to the SK city centre from my place and it was hot. Goddam hot! Took me 20minutes in total and it wasn't easy... I think it must have been my worse trip so far this holiday!

I took the mini bus back to MK and then met up with my girl again. We were planning to have dinner back at hers around 8pm, so we decided to take a walk around MK for a bit before going back. In MK I went to go and have a look at the badminton rackets on offer as I needed a replacement for my broken Z Slash... I went back to the one I bought my previous Z Slash from to see if I could get one there... Turns out they don't stock JP versions of the racket and they were out of SP ones for now, I was about to leave when suddenly... Somebody says my name, and who is it? It's none other than my bro, Kit! He and Mandy were having a day trip in HK and coincidentally
was looking at rackets too, quite the coincidence indeed! We then took the streets again and then called up an old friend... Fung!

We agreed to have dinner together at Tsim Sha Tsui at a Japanese restaurant. It was a good catch up with Fung, but unfortunately the food served was a bit under average... But anyway, overall the day was quite well passed and quite hea... Nice...

Hong Kong - Day 1

Well, it's been a fairly up and down day as my flight from Newcastle to Amsterdam was slightly delayed due to the amazing weather Newcastle received... Lightning and thunder, rain and wind, what more could an excited traveller like myself want? A delayed flight? Well, why not! May as well! Damn. Anyway, got here fine, the plane was on time from Amsterdam to Hong Kong but there was a slight scare when the air stewardess announced that some people's connecting flights were going to leave without them, luckily mine wasn't on the list... Thank god, I would have been one day late to HK I imagine if that happened! So I got here in the afternoon and tried to use the sim card my mum gave mr, turns out it wasn't working. Things were just starting to get worse... I used the airport courtesy phone to call up my friend Jacky, whose place was offered to me as accomodation for my two months here, and to my dismay he couldn't pick me up from the airport as agreed. Shucks. Got the taxi eventually and got settled down in his cosy home in Sai Kung to the eastern coast of Kowloon (miles from the city centre). So anyway, I get sorted and leave for the centre which turns out isn't really that far from SK, around 30mins in the mini bus to Mong Kok so not as bad as I thought it would be! I reached MK at about 6pm and ti my dismay, I seemed to have taken less money out than I needed so I guess I didn't have much to work with so just window shopping around Sneaker St and Tung Choi St. I eventually got myself a sim card for my phone and with 3G giving me the power of data!!! I was back, and connected to the world again, I felt like I was home. I went round to Kwai Hing to pick up my girl as well as see her for the first time in around 10 months... It has been quite the moment I've been waiting for! Excited and flustered by the heat I decided to go wait at the tower building she works at. It was a pretty long wait, and to make it worse the time we spent apart coupled with the anticipation, every minute seemed likr a year... We met up eventually and I guess it was good. Not sure whether it was because I was over excited or maybe just because the time apart made things worse, but I felt uneasy inside yet I was extremely glad... Dinner was at her home with her parents as well, was good bit with me being just off the plane and a bit tired I felt I couldn't eat much, I think my body is playing up again.. :/ By this time, typhoon one was in effect in HK and it was said on tv that typhoon eight was going to be in effect at 1120pm, so I decided to leave to get back to SK at 1030pm, but I was too late. By the time I got downstairs of her home, it was windy like no tomorrow, the rain was just as bad, I felt as if someone had just splashed a bucketful of water over me... Then I got a call from my girl telling me to stay the night instead.if going back to SK which would have taken ages, so I stayed. Uneventful night really, but before sleeping, I received a message from JK saying that results emails were out and being the impatient person that I am, I opened up my email and looked. I just couldn't resist a peek. I almost died. I couldn't believe my eyes and what I read, I had failed both Jurisprudence and Wills and Estates. The first thing that came to mind was emotional breakdown, I had spent so much energy and effort on my Jurisprudence essay yet all I received in return was a measly 35 marks... I can't describe the feeling but I knew that this was going to jeopardize my two month holiday in HK and I knew the shit was going to hit the fan with my parents... I've yet to tell them. My options now are to return early back to the UK or do my assignments here in HK but to be honest, it was hard enough doing it back home, it would be near impossible to get it done here... I am destined to return early I think.

Come on man!!

Hey, I know times are hard and we all gotta do what we need to do... But we can't forget what we hold dear, you know?

I've had this discussion with many people now, they all tell me the same thing... I can either leave you, or I reach my hand out towards you to give you a hand... But do you know how hard it is to make such a decision? I thought about it for a long time, and I still haven't really come up with what I want to do, or what I will do... I know what I want, I want to win, I want to get better and I want to het through this season with no more losses... But I also want you there with me! But you're performance has been disappointing at best, your motivation is non-existent and worst of all you just have no time... I'm going through a compromise here now, you know... In playing my games and improving my skills, but I also want to help you through these times, so you will be ready when the hard times are past... You only have to do one thing and that is to provide the motivation input... That is all you need, the motivation to play more and the desire to win. But don't take too long... I've waited for a long time coming now... Pull yourself together man!!

All Time Low

Just been reading through my last post. How invigorating the last paragraph was! But oh how long ago it was when I wrote those words... And as they say, famous last words...

It's February and I'm trying to enjoy myself in life, but then it occurs to me that everything in life happens for a reason. Everything has a price attached. There is value to everything we do and don't do. I've come to realise this, but is it too late? The consequences of my enjoyment of life for the past month or so has made a slight impact on my life, and it has also given me the big reality check I've been needing for such a long time. Many things came to surface, and many things I saw, I knew it was time to move on.

I don't even know how to begin this. Let's just say that when one comes to a dilemma, they can only count on one of two things they were given: their head, or their heart. Normally, anything logical can be decided with the head, emotional issues though- not so easy. Maybe I should ask this: what is love? No really, what is it? How did we get by life through all those years without really knowing what it is? What is it made of? How do we get it? Where does it come from and where does it go? All these questions are unanswered, even to this day and age where even flight is possible, even the most unthinkable concepts 50, 100 years ago have occurred in our present day and age. Why is it everytime I am in a time of need, there is nobody out there who can answer all my questions and show me a guiding light? I am plagued by these issues and questions, why am I stuck in this vicious circle? The more I do, the more I am bound to this eternal duty, the less I do results in the same... Is there no way out? I believe that there is, but it is one that I am hesitant in taking, and one that does not really run parallel to my own ethos. But will there be one day where I will eventually become corrupt and take this route? Will I dry my own roots? Will I stop the river from flowing into the sea? I have already taken the first step, I have made my first bold move ever since that day, two years ago... It feels good and homely, but at the same time on the other side of the coin, my heart is burning, it is crying and it does not like what I am doing... But so what? My head is adamant that it is the right thing to do, contrary to what my heart believes... This time, I will get it right. I will prevail and show them that I am doing the right thing and I will see it to the end.

The Wanted's All Time Low... Really describes my predicament. I cannot even start to think that it is about anything else. It has made a timely presence. May God give me strength and the wisdom I need to steer clear of these stormy waters.