It wasn't until today, when I thought that maybe there is more to life than the generic rhythm that I've been constantly repeating for the past few weeks. There's a lot more to life than just badminton and work it seems, I guess. I was going to get out the house today with my bike, but it turned out that my bike tyres were out of air, and to make it worse the air pump at home works off the cigarette lighter in the car. Bugger. So I thought maybe I could push it to Sainsbury's and get some air there, but then it started raining. My day couldn't get any worse, I swear. And thus, commenced a whole day at home listening to music, watching Gintama and trying to get myself to play old PS3 games... This is not the life I want, I realised. I don't want a life where I'm not doing anything, because when you've got nothing to do, it's really hard to pass the time. You watch the hands of the clock tick by, but somehow they never seem to reach the hour you want. I just wanted to sleep the day away, that's how bad I was, but I summoned every inch of self-discipline in me and managed to stay away from the bed. I chained myself to my desktop instead.
In addition to the recent events that have occurred lately, I also found it harder and harder to find a reason to live. I don't know why this is, but it's just what suddenly popped into my mind today. I can't really pinpoint why I have come to be in existence, but at the same time there really isn't anything pushing me away from it either. I rang May today, for the first time in about 48 hours, it was probably the only relief I had today but in the end I just got disappointed. I won't go into specifics, but that's how I felt a few hours later. I don't know why I'm being especially negative today, but I'm feeling really down, maybe it's got something to do with my car being repaired? Maybe. Perhaps it's because I keep getting told of things that'll happen, but never eventually do? Could be. Who knows? I can almost see the million question marks floating just above my head right now, if I had anymore I'm sure they'd just drop down and smash over my head. Providing they were made of a smashable material.
I've found that recent days have proven to me, the only solid, 100%, never changing, un-variable method to getting happiness is within the world of videos. Happy ones, of course. They never let you down, they're made to entertain, and they guarantee to put a smile on your face. It's ironic, isn't it... Something manmade, yet possesses the ability to provide every time you need it.. Then why can't humans do that? Why can't we give when we're asked to (under normal circumstances) and why can't we keep promises that we promise to keep? Weird things, promises. You try hard not to break one, but then another goes and breaks theirs. Why do we even have them? They're just there to be broken, no other useful reason for existence, really. A bit like rules. But then again you don't tend to get so much of a kick breaking rules than promises...
Gintama... The only food for my mind... Good job I still have 70 episodes to get through. I think I'll probably be able to make it through them all before May gets back. Maybe only then, will I not need them. We'll see.
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