Jesmond Dene Report - Not Bad! A Bleeding Heart.

So yes anyway, here's a little report on how my Monday evening went at the Jesmond Dene club... It was good! There were a lot of people there, but even with only four courts to go round I seemed to get quite a few games in tonight! The overall standard there was good, and I have to say that it was much higher than at Medicals- even Matt went there, so that kind of explains itself. The fee per session is at a lowly £3 for a student, which is lower than £4 at Medicals, which is value already! So in conclusion, I think I will come to this club every now and then and sometimes go to St. Gabriels... They're both decent clubs but I want to play more as well so I guess Jesmond Dene seems to be a good balance of both performance and number of games.

Anyway, continuing on with the theme of the last blog... I said something about being in love, and being insecure... This is true. I admit, I am insecure. I don't know why I am... But it happens and things just feel that little bit more nervous and anxious about what she does... You know? I said that things would just get better once she gets back, but from the look of things right now, nothing has changed at all, I'm still worrying about what she's doing, the people she's interacting with (mainly guys) and just her behaviour in general... I do trust her, before you start having second thoughts about my love for her. I love her, and that is why I worry. I keep thinking that maybe someday she'll just stop loving me back and she'll get bored and go for someone else. I keep thinking that all those guys she's talking to on msn are people who are "potentials" and people who want to be taking her heart away from me... I keep thinking that someday for no reason at all she'll just leave me on my own... Why do I think these things? There is no logical explanation, it's all because I am insecure and once you love someone that is what happens. Insecurity has always been something I'm familiar with, of course I'm familiar with it, it's happened to me twice already in life and I don't want it to destroy me totally but there is nothing I can do to defend against it. In a fight between insecurity and I, I will always be the loser.

But it is not always insecurity.

I'm not going to hide this. I am just jealous and hateful of the guys who she talks to on msn, on facebook, on skype. She obviously doesn't know this because she cannot see behind this mask that I wear, the mask which hides all emotion from the outside world. She cannot make out the fact that when she's doing those things she's making my heart bleed with jealousy, with hatred. She cannot see how I get annoyed and I become silent and I just sit there thinking away, about the things they maybe talking about, the thought that are running through their minds as they chat away in front of me. She doesn't see anything. The way she laughs, the way she interacts and the way she talks about those guys... Are all arrows shooting through my fragile and insecure heart, and she is doing it unknowingly. I don't know what I can do apart from sit and take it in. There is nothing I can do but sit and take it all in. I can only be patient and set my feelings aside. Simply because my love for her is infinite and reaches beyond the stars and planets.

~BRio the 69 @ Home Home