I Am A Nobody

Seeing that I've eventually got a moment to myself, and not busy doing something for her, or being told to do something by her, I thought I'd sit down and write my little diary (yes, I do keep a mini-diary thing to keep record of day to day events). Whilst writing up what's been happening this week, I suddenly had a thought... Not a very nice one, but a thought nonetheless. My 老婆 also keeps a mini-diary thing and she uses it a lot more than I do, I just put stuff in when I can remember to and when I actually have time. Now, back then when we were still at the starting period of our relationship, I used to read her diary thing as a joke because I knew she didn't like me reading it so I would read it in front of her, much to her disapproval. She'd be writing pointless stuff and stuff about what we had done in the day and so on, but to my surprise she regards me simply only as "Bri". I mean, what? Bri? You couldn't put any further distance between the two of us than this like, why would she use Bri? It's not personal and there's no touch of affection in there at all? I mean, if someone else wrote a diary and say for example it was a girl and they went out for a coffee with me, they'd probably write Bri as well, but that's okay because they're not my 老婆?

Today, I'd like to write about yet another problem that exists between the two of us- one-sidedness. What do I mean by this? Well, it's simple, this relationship... I see that there's one of us who doesn't put enough into it... And it isn't me. I don't think that I would've seen this coming, well actually I did. Let's be honest, all the signs are there and things just don't work the way I want it to and many times I find myself questioning my value in this relationship and my value in her heart. Bri? Everywhere I go she is my 老婆. Everyone I tell, she is my 老婆. Everything I write, she is my 老婆. But to her I am merely a Bri. If she needs to hide it from someone, then why? And if so, who? I don't see any logical reason acceptable as to why I am still just a normal guy to her... I just don't know about whether I am the guy to her as I thought I was. I know you might be thinking that, "oh, it's just a name, no biggie" well to me it is a biggie. Simply because there isn't a lot else out there which reminds her that I am her 老公. Photos of us don't exist in places where you will see a lot of the time, they're tucked away in some folder in another folder... Labelled, "Bri".

Nobody out there in the world knows of our relationship, out story.. Only those who know us in our everyday lives know about us being together... Well, people know that I'm in a relationship, they only have to go on Facebook and take a look at my profile, but on hers it says she's single. Okay, on last thing... Don't know whether you've seen it or not but I've got a picture of her and I as my display picture on my MSN. I used to have a photo of some other thing on it, but it changed when she became mine... No I don't use a photo of myself as my display picture.

~BRio the 69 @ Home