I Am A Nobody

Seeing that I've eventually got a moment to myself, and not busy doing something for her, or being told to do something by her, I thought I'd sit down and write my little diary (yes, I do keep a mini-diary thing to keep record of day to day events). Whilst writing up what's been happening this week, I suddenly had a thought... Not a very nice one, but a thought nonetheless. My 老婆 also keeps a mini-diary thing and she uses it a lot more than I do, I just put stuff in when I can remember to and when I actually have time. Now, back then when we were still at the starting period of our relationship, I used to read her diary thing as a joke because I knew she didn't like me reading it so I would read it in front of her, much to her disapproval. She'd be writing pointless stuff and stuff about what we had done in the day and so on, but to my surprise she regards me simply only as "Bri". I mean, what? Bri? You couldn't put any further distance between the two of us than this like, why would she use Bri? It's not personal and there's no touch of affection in there at all? I mean, if someone else wrote a diary and say for example it was a girl and they went out for a coffee with me, they'd probably write Bri as well, but that's okay because they're not my 老婆?

Today, I'd like to write about yet another problem that exists between the two of us- one-sidedness. What do I mean by this? Well, it's simple, this relationship... I see that there's one of us who doesn't put enough into it... And it isn't me. I don't think that I would've seen this coming, well actually I did. Let's be honest, all the signs are there and things just don't work the way I want it to and many times I find myself questioning my value in this relationship and my value in her heart. Bri? Everywhere I go she is my 老婆. Everyone I tell, she is my 老婆. Everything I write, she is my 老婆. But to her I am merely a Bri. If she needs to hide it from someone, then why? And if so, who? I don't see any logical reason acceptable as to why I am still just a normal guy to her... I just don't know about whether I am the guy to her as I thought I was. I know you might be thinking that, "oh, it's just a name, no biggie" well to me it is a biggie. Simply because there isn't a lot else out there which reminds her that I am her 老公. Photos of us don't exist in places where you will see a lot of the time, they're tucked away in some folder in another folder... Labelled, "Bri".

Nobody out there in the world knows of our relationship, out story.. Only those who know us in our everyday lives know about us being together... Well, people know that I'm in a relationship, they only have to go on Facebook and take a look at my profile, but on hers it says she's single. Okay, on last thing... Don't know whether you've seen it or not but I've got a picture of her and I as my display picture on my MSN. I used to have a photo of some other thing on it, but it changed when she became mine... No I don't use a photo of myself as my display picture.

~BRio the 69 @ Home

Jesmond Dene Report - Not Bad! A Bleeding Heart.

So yes anyway, here's a little report on how my Monday evening went at the Jesmond Dene club... It was good! There were a lot of people there, but even with only four courts to go round I seemed to get quite a few games in tonight! The overall standard there was good, and I have to say that it was much higher than at Medicals- even Matt went there, so that kind of explains itself. The fee per session is at a lowly £3 for a student, which is lower than £4 at Medicals, which is value already! So in conclusion, I think I will come to this club every now and then and sometimes go to St. Gabriels... They're both decent clubs but I want to play more as well so I guess Jesmond Dene seems to be a good balance of both performance and number of games.

Anyway, continuing on with the theme of the last blog... I said something about being in love, and being insecure... This is true. I admit, I am insecure. I don't know why I am... But it happens and things just feel that little bit more nervous and anxious about what she does... You know? I said that things would just get better once she gets back, but from the look of things right now, nothing has changed at all, I'm still worrying about what she's doing, the people she's interacting with (mainly guys) and just her behaviour in general... I do trust her, before you start having second thoughts about my love for her. I love her, and that is why I worry. I keep thinking that maybe someday she'll just stop loving me back and she'll get bored and go for someone else. I keep thinking that all those guys she's talking to on msn are people who are "potentials" and people who want to be taking her heart away from me... I keep thinking that someday for no reason at all she'll just leave me on my own... Why do I think these things? There is no logical explanation, it's all because I am insecure and once you love someone that is what happens. Insecurity has always been something I'm familiar with, of course I'm familiar with it, it's happened to me twice already in life and I don't want it to destroy me totally but there is nothing I can do to defend against it. In a fight between insecurity and I, I will always be the loser.

But it is not always insecurity.

I'm not going to hide this. I am just jealous and hateful of the guys who she talks to on msn, on facebook, on skype. She obviously doesn't know this because she cannot see behind this mask that I wear, the mask which hides all emotion from the outside world. She cannot make out the fact that when she's doing those things she's making my heart bleed with jealousy, with hatred. She cannot see how I get annoyed and I become silent and I just sit there thinking away, about the things they maybe talking about, the thought that are running through their minds as they chat away in front of me. She doesn't see anything. The way she laughs, the way she interacts and the way she talks about those guys... Are all arrows shooting through my fragile and insecure heart, and she is doing it unknowingly. I don't know what I can do apart from sit and take it in. There is nothing I can do but sit and take it all in. I can only be patient and set my feelings aside. Simply because my love for her is infinite and reaches beyond the stars and planets.

~BRio the 69 @ Home Home

Fat. Badminton. Insecurity. Who Would've Thought They Were Related? (They're Not.)

It's been a little while since I last blogged, and many things seemed to have happened since then... Let's just outline a little about the main things that have occurred: my 老婆 has come home! I've restrung my Arc 10; my loan still hasn't come through (I wouldn't regard that as something happening, but there was a fuck up relating to this); I'm getting more and more skint and lastly I've put on more weight (shock!).

So yeah, talking of things to do with health and stuff, a lot's been going on with my body lately, mainly the eating habits I'm taking on ever since 老婆 came back. I vouched to myself that I would learn to cook properly for both her and I to save a bit of money... But so far I've only done that twice so far since last week, but then again I think that's still better than no days! I'm still running for that dream of becoming a decent cook someday, so that I can realise my dream of becoming the world's best man ever! Well, that's obviously never going to happen, but at least I can still attempt to be a good cook... I really do think that it's a seriously needed skill if you want to be a decent guy, because I think that women do like a good cook and sometimes you can captivate someone's heart simply by cooking them a nice meal... Well, I'm still miles from that level, but I'm telling you I will achieve that someday!

So healthy eating aside, my body seems to have taken the brunt after my week of rest last week (yes, a week where I don't do any exercise at all) and the fact that I've been playing less badminton this week... I've gained weight. Well, I don't know whether I've physically put on pounds or not, but I definitely look a little fatter than I was a couple of weeks ago... This is obviously not good, and something has to be done about it. Ergo, I have decided to have a week of activity (a week where I do lots of activities.) Well, it's not going to be that simple... Whilst looking for a place to fulfill my extreme desire and urge to play badminton on Wednesdays, I came across the whole ranking thing again... This led me to find that my ranking in both singles and level doubles is despairingly low and totally unacceptable. So in the end, I found myself aiming to achieve a higher grade AND play 6 days a week. Smooth. So here's my preliminary plan for this week...

Monday- play at Jesmond Dene club; this is so I can play a wider variety of people and hopefully meet some people whom I can absorb new knowledge and experience in badminton from.

Tuesday - RGS; I'm officially playing playing for the RGS team in the Northumberland County League. Is that really what I want to be doing? They are currently playing in the E grade league which means they're pretty shit (E grade is the lowest in the league) but I guess that just gives me a bit of time to practise and at the same time increase my grade in the ranking tables...

Wednesday - Wallsend Bewicke club; I haven't actually been to this club but I'm sure it will be quite good because I've taken a look at their rankings and their players aren't too bad... But there is one problem, and that's the fact that they play at Gibson Street... Gibson Street isn't a bad place for a club but the existence of a measly three courts and a dodgy heating system, doesn't really make it an appealing place to be during the treacherous Winter months... But nonetheless I will give it a try simply because it's one of a few clubs that play on a Wednesday night, so that fills up another day of my week.

Thursday - Medicals/Jesmond Dene/Book a court ourselves; Medicals really has taken a turn for the worst lately with ever dwindling numbers and all the decent players leaving. That is why I've decided to put this season's membership fee on hold till later, until I am convinced that it is worth me paying £25 for the season fee and an extra £4 per session on top... Jesmond Dene also play on Thursdays, so if I find that I enjoy it on a Monday night, then why not go for an extra dosage of adrenaline-filled badminton evening on Thursday? The option to book a court ourselves (Dude, Kit, Fung and I) is highly tempting simply because we know where our standards lie and we all know we will have a decent time together. So I'm still undecided as to where I should play on a Thursday, but I know I will play somewhere on Thursday, I am determined to.

Friday - DAS; with Dame Allan's as my life school, I feel like I should go back and visit everynow and then... That means every Friday for badminton with Gareth, Mr Renshaw and Mr Lewis. They need a good challenge every now and then, and it's always great to be back at DAS and meet some students there and find out what's going on and stuff.

Saturday - Day of "rest" (where I'm working all day 12 - 12)

Sunday - Eldon Leisure; Just an evening from 5 - 7 with the guys (Dude, Kit, Fung... Etc etc) for a bit of banter and maybe even a bit of competitive play if I'm lucky. It's always a great session because we have loads of games and we like a bit of challenge from other players everynow and then...

So there you go, my weekly badminton schedule all outlined out for you all to see... If you wish to challenge me... Go ahead, I'm always up for a challenge!

With health out of the way, maybe it's about time I talked about my state of mind... My feelings and emotions that I have experienced lately... I can't remember much about the time before this week, so most of it is from this past week.. But even then there's been a load on my mind... As you all should know by now (simply from reading this blog) that my 老婆 has come home from her three month long trip back to her home in Hong Kong, and that hasn't really taken any burden off my mind at all to be honest, even with her being here. I mean, I did say that there was a song with the lyrics "When you love someone, you're always insecure" and I simply cannot stress how true that is! But... I don't know, I will talk about it later because it's getting late and I have to sleep now.. But stay tuned, I'll unload my heavy mind next time... For sure.

~BRio the 69 @ Home