It's A Big World Out There

During a recent encounter with an old friend of mine, many thoughts rushed through my head during the short few minutes of conversation we had... I'm actually really tired right now, but I thought I'd try my best to describe the feelings that passed through me during those moments today...

It is incredible how the human brain works. Incredible in the way that we can think of many things and many memories in a very tight time frame. Amazing how we can think up of the past just by seeing some events unfold right before our very eyes in a moment. That's exactly what happened today, to me, when I was least expecting it. As I saw my old friend walking down, many many thoughts of the past dragged themselves back up to the surface of my memory and suddenly it all seemed so clear to me, as if it was only yesterday... Thoughts of my friends from school, thoughts of my future at university, my dreams... They all collaborated in that moment of time and everything seemed to stand still.

I knew that if I did not approach my friend, they would not have noticed me... But to be honest, I don't know whether beckoning them over was a good idea or not, as it consequently lead to a short yet awkward conversation on our lives at the moment. It lead me to think, "what have I done with my life so far?" and "what will become of me? Now that I'm doing a course which sounds to be spectacularly gruelling and difficult?" Everything in my world stopped and I was left in a soliloquy scene, where I couldn't quite figure out where I stand in this world anymore. I just felt so small in such a big world... Where do I really stand amongst all the people in the world? I don't know anymore... I used to think that I was set to become something great, what with a decent education and a knack for most things, but it all unfolded today when I thought about the situation I'm in, the shit I'm in, all because I dropped out of university half a year ago.

To put it simply, I had lost all confidence in myself. I lost the confidence to go out and start something big, to do something great. I didn't even want to meet new people anymore at university, life felt like a drag. And it all happened in that moment. I don't even know how to face myself anymore, I don't even know how to face other people now... I've lost every inkling of confidence in myself that things don't even matter to me anymore, I can go through all sorts on my own, I don't need all the bells and whistles to make my journey easier... But... I just don't know what's what anymore, life has taken a big turn for me from this afternoon and I just know...

~BRio the 69 @ Home