A Little Thought About Marriage

Tell you what's been on my mind lately... I haven't blogged in a while and I thought I'd just do my usual part and share my piece of mind with others.

Not long ago, at work I was delivering takeaways and it was the last order of the night and I happened to be the next driver in line and I had to take it (don't get me wrong, I'm fine with it, more orders = more tips). When the guy came to open the door he was smart, he dressed smart and it was obvious he'd been to some important occasion or another. Turns out he had just been to a wedding as he explained to me- his wedding. I was blown away, I just thought, "Woah! This guy's just been married! What do I say?" but my normal manners kicked in and I dutifully congratulated him on his new milestone in life like any other person would have.

So what impact has this guy's milestone made in my life? Well, to be honest it's probably the first time I have been in touch with a person who has just been wed. I know you might think that that's a bit weird, but what I mean is that it's the first time ever since I started to know things... If you know what I mean? Like ever since I've started to know things properly and able to put them in their own context and knowing what life is all about, that's what I mean. Well, this experience made me think about my own life and what it would be like when I eventually get married in the future, which will be no sooner than at least ten years I hope!

The way he told me, the way he talked and the way he acted in those very few moments on his doorstep reaching for his wallet and paying me for his takeaway were all expressed in the happiest ways as can be. He was in a mood where if you had an aura camera he would have this intensive white aura around him- he was over the moon (in norm speak). You could just feel the goodness and the happiness he emanated as you saw him, he was just in this state of mind where everything was good, everything was brilliant and when he pointed through the window and showed me his newly-wed wife, he was almost a kid again. He was like, "you see her there? That's my wife!" It felt really good just to be around this guy at that moment in time, he was having such a great time!

This led me to think.. How good would it be for me to get married? Just imagine the level of happiness I could achieve? Just thinking of it now brings a warm and fuzzy sensation to my heart, I just don't understand how some people see marriage as a means of tying oneself down? It's probably the happiest thing a person could do in life, second only to having a child! I can't wait to get married... It's just getting there which is a problem!

§BRio the 69 @ Home

It's A Big World Out There

During a recent encounter with an old friend of mine, many thoughts rushed through my head during the short few minutes of conversation we had... I'm actually really tired right now, but I thought I'd try my best to describe the feelings that passed through me during those moments today...

It is incredible how the human brain works. Incredible in the way that we can think of many things and many memories in a very tight time frame. Amazing how we can think up of the past just by seeing some events unfold right before our very eyes in a moment. That's exactly what happened today, to me, when I was least expecting it. As I saw my old friend walking down, many many thoughts of the past dragged themselves back up to the surface of my memory and suddenly it all seemed so clear to me, as if it was only yesterday... Thoughts of my friends from school, thoughts of my future at university, my dreams... They all collaborated in that moment of time and everything seemed to stand still.

I knew that if I did not approach my friend, they would not have noticed me... But to be honest, I don't know whether beckoning them over was a good idea or not, as it consequently lead to a short yet awkward conversation on our lives at the moment. It lead me to think, "what have I done with my life so far?" and "what will become of me? Now that I'm doing a course which sounds to be spectacularly gruelling and difficult?" Everything in my world stopped and I was left in a soliloquy scene, where I couldn't quite figure out where I stand in this world anymore. I just felt so small in such a big world... Where do I really stand amongst all the people in the world? I don't know anymore... I used to think that I was set to become something great, what with a decent education and a knack for most things, but it all unfolded today when I thought about the situation I'm in, the shit I'm in, all because I dropped out of university half a year ago.

To put it simply, I had lost all confidence in myself. I lost the confidence to go out and start something big, to do something great. I didn't even want to meet new people anymore at university, life felt like a drag. And it all happened in that moment. I don't even know how to face myself anymore, I don't even know how to face other people now... I've lost every inkling of confidence in myself that things don't even matter to me anymore, I can go through all sorts on my own, I don't need all the bells and whistles to make my journey easier... But... I just don't know what's what anymore, life has taken a big turn for me from this afternoon and I just know...

~BRio the 69 @ Home

All I Need Is... Time

Today's not really been the greatest day of my life. I've experienced what it's like to be on the edge of a cliff (again) metaphorically speaking, in my relationship with my 老婆... I feel like we're on a roller coaster of a relationship sometimes, and things just keep going up and down... They can never stay up there, something always happens and it all just comes crashing down... And today, it started off in a low and it went even lower, and it was just really depressing. I don't even know how to start to describe it. It was just so... Pointless? We argue over the most pointless of things sometimes, and it's just not worth the effort sometimes but why do we still do it? I don't understand why we are the way we are right now, but I guess it's just all part of the ride...

I can't help but to think that I can never make her happy. Everything I do is just wrong in her eyes in some way or another. Everything I do has the intentions of making her happy, but most of the time I fail and it leads to another row about something small. What am I doing wrong? There must be some genetic fault in me which is causing me to do all these things in all manner of ways except the right way... I find that we row a lot more now that we are apart in two different countries, separated by thousands of miles... All this arguing is draining me of my emotional physique and it's just not good for the soul, I know. I just hope that I can eventually come to terms with her some day and eventually provide her with all the love and happiness she truly deserves from me. I am desperately searching for that essential ingredient to my character which is clearly lacking and is making things between us go wrong... I just need time.

~BRio the 69 @ Home

The Beatles... Reborn?

The Beatles. Well, what can I say? They're just four guys who decided to hit the big time and they made it! Through the means of amazingly written lyrics and brilliantly orchestrated music, they have most surely made their mark in my heart as one of the greatest bands that have ever walked on this Earth. And today (well, technically yesterday) with the long awaited arrival of The Beatles Rock Band, I have lived in the 1960s for maybe a few hours in the comfort of my own living room. I have experienced now, the music which managed to turn the whole of the 60s upside down and has branded an icon in my mind by playing through this immensely entertaining of a game and eventually relighting my flame for their music.

Believe it or not, eight or maybe nine years ago when The Beatles had a remastered album named "1" produced, I had started to like them. It must've taken a world's amount of coincidence for me to discover the album, infact it wasn't even me who had bought the album it was my dad who did and now that I think of it, I'm not quite sure why he bought the album. Even to this day I still have no idea as to why he bought it, I mean, maybe it was curiosity that killed the cat? Seeing The Beatles releasing an album years after their split probably would have got the better of dad's curiosity, but he's not one to be moved like that... Plus, he didn't buy the "Love" album with The Beatles' songs all remixed when it came out a couple of years ago (even though I did). So what was it? I wonder... Nevertheless, he managed to arouse my interest in The Beatles ever since the purchase of that album, and it's still here on my shelf along with my other Beatles albums which I frequently used to listen to, less so these days with the advances in technology and my own knowledge of it. With the creation of BitTorrent and mp3s, CDs just aren't worth buying anymore, they're a waste of money when you can download them online for free (though illegal) and they're another waste of space, not to mention inconvenient to access if not transferred onto computer.

Ever since contact with the "1" album was made, my fascination grew and grew as I delved deeper into the history of "Beatlemania" and their members- John, Paul, George and Ringo. I remember that my desire to learn more about them and their stories lead me to choose to do a project on a music band for Music at school, which didn't go down too well because I may have documented more about their lives than their music and its inspirational values. But it didn't matter to me, Music was just another subject to mess around in when it came round. But my interest in The Beatles didn't stop there.

Over time, I acquired further Beatles albums by saving up pocket money and so on to buy them at shops and I gained more insight into their music more than ever. I grew to know that there was to their music than just the songs on the "1" album (which turned out to be, an album of their number one hits) but there were more back catalogue of weird and interesting music. Songs like "A Day In The Life" and "I Am The Walrus" told me that The Beatles weren't just all "lovey dovey", they were a documenting type of band, they wrote songs about life and they wrote songs which expand beyond the daily logical limit of the human. And it's because of these songs which is why I like them so much.

Playing through The Beatles Rock Band, thoughts and memories went through my head... I found that I had neglected my love for The Beatles for a very long time and I seemed to have forgotten about them for a while in my life. But now that this has appeared in my life, I'm sure that I will come to know of their music again and probably to an even further extent. I sometimes do wonder what it would've felt like to live in the 60s... They say it was an era of freedom, where people were given a peace of mind, where they would do things that they liked to... And of course they had The Beatles providing them with such a fantastic soundtrack for ten years... I wish I was a part of it all back then.