I hate saying this, but everytime I seem to come and write a blogpost, it's already been a year or two since the last post...
Well, growing up isn't easy you know, things get more boring, more tediou and more complicated- there just isn't much time to blog unless it's your job. And even then, it's hard to find time to keep a personal blog. I tried my hand at writing in a diary for a couple of times this year, and last year- shame it never really took off, I just gave up after a month or two.
So why am I back? Well, sometimes a guy's got to confide in someone in his matters but does not want that someone to be someone he knows. He just wants somebody to know, but not his family, not even his friends, nor even his closest bros. I have to put it out there right now- I feel alone. I don't feel lonely, I feel alone. I don't know what the technical difference is between the two, however it feels more "right" to say I feel alone, but then again this may be down to the fact that I don't want to feel sorry for myself- but how am I to know? We are all but victims to our subconsciousness.
I feel that, as we age, we see things in a different light. Yes, I know that everyone out there has been saying the same words as I am mouthing now, but I have to say- you don't understand what it means until it hits you like a brick with a tag saying "growing up" attached. In the past couple of years since my last blog post, I have been through a few different relationships, met new friends, lost friends and seen enough with my own eyes that I do not want to grow up anymore. It just isn't fun. Growing up sucks. You don't want to grow up until the day you die, it just hurts sometimes, you know? There have been many a time where I just wanted to settle down, settle for a compromise, settle for something less than I was capable of- perhaps even follow the tide of mediocrity as each day passes by. But no, I was unable to do so- was it because of my inherent "fighting spirit", or because I always felt like I had something to hold on to, something to fight for? I questioned myself many times, and each time I kept pushing on, kept striving for better things, for more than what I was capable of, and each time I found myself getting further in life's rat race. But what does it all mean? In my efforts to make my life a better place, I lost sight of what I was doing, what I am doing. I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's going to happen, and it's bringing me down. I look back at my years so far and quite frankly, the past is looking much better than the future.
Never had I felt so alone before. I find myself here, on a Monday night, after work, without someone I want to talk to. Am I being picky? Or perhaps the people whom I want to talk to are here. I don't know. This blog is my last resort. I have my reservations. There are things I know I don't want to talk to my friends and family about, and I just feel like this blog is the best place to talk about it- so let's get down to it.
I recently started another relationship with a girl, though not from the UK, but I met her here. We got on like a house on fire. We are the perfect match. Infact, I feel so strongly about her that I have planned to move over to China where she currently is, so as to further our relationship and hopefully make it to the next stage of life's big game. For her, I feel like I could give up the world; I feel like there is nothing more important than her right now at this point in time. But the trade offs are not to be taken lightly. A move to Asia would mean a loss of contact with my friends here in the UK (which, by the way, are dwindling by the day) and of course my bros. Ah yes, my bros. Brothers in name, strangers in practice. We used to be such good friends, so closely knitted that we may as well have been brothers in birth. But such good times were not to last, as one by one, each of us left this city in pursuit of other endeavours- studies, and work, basically. The void between us five now has widened to such an extent that I feel like we may have been better off not to be brothers in the first place. Why should we share such awkwardness now, when we could still be good friends? Why can we not share a drink without having the awkward silence there to accompany us? I mourn for the brotherhood which we once cherished so much. But as I said, as we age, so do our values, our perception of things which we once cherished and loved. I, for one, still hold onto this brotherhood as if it was what it had used to be. But the others? I may not be able to read minds, but I am not blind either.
That is why I say, although the trade offs for leaving this barren place are heavy, I am willing to make this leap. I want to get out there and make a name for myself. Perhaps only then, will this void within my heart be filled. But will it make me less of a person, to forget those who made me who I am today? To forsake their support in my early years, in pursuit of a future where I can live comfortably, knowing I have worked hard to secure my future? The trade off may be big. But right now, I am ready to make this sacrifice. For those who do not cherish, need not be cherished. I will make this sacrifice. I will work hard for the future which I have envisioned for so long. But please, forgive me if I forget your faces in the process, as I have no choice. In my hour of need, I find those who I trusted are out of reach. In my darkest hour, who was there, but my reflection in the mirror?
Perhaps I expect too much of people these days. Sometimes it's easier to get things done by yourself. However, I still have an inkling of hope, and belief that great things are achieved through the support of one's peers. One day, I will be back. And one day, I will remember those who had seen me through my early days. But for now, the only way is East. I hope they're prepared.
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