Stuck In A Moment That I Can't Get Out Of.

God, time does fly by. Even when you're not having fun. But every now and then I guess we need to have an off day, and I had a couple of those last week. I guess they were quite good, but not entirely good, if you know what I mean. I was off, but only physically, because I believe we all have things to do whether we're having a day off or not. I mean, technically speaking a day off is just a day where you don't have anything urgent to do or just nothing to do entirely. But before we forget and drift freely in our "free" day, we mustn't disregard the other things we have put aside in order to have this free day. As they say in Economics, "there is no such thing as a free lunch." Well the same applies to days, you can never have a free day. Where in Economics, it describes that everything comes with a price, whether it is foreseeable or not, whether it can be seen or not, there is always a price. For example, you may think the air that we breathe is free, but is it really? You probably haven't thought about the many people who have died in order to fight for a fresher breath of air... And the same goes for a free day, in exactly the same way, what have we actually given up in order to have this free day? The putting off of work till the next day? Blocking out any work colleagues' calls and messages? Lying to work about a strange illness which you haven't indeed contracted? The possibilities are endless, it's just a matter of whether we are aware of such costs or not.

So let's go back to last week, I had a couple of these so-called "free" days, and expectedly, the effects of the costs have caught up with me. The costs I had to pay in order to get some free time? I had to ignore the beckoning of my upcoming VIVA assessment which is worth 40% of one module in my course, and I had to ignore the pleas of my seminar preparation work to do them in order to have my free days. Now, I have to do my work in a shorter space of time and still at the same quality. Bummer.

Not only does putting work off make you feel stressed, but it also makes you down. It can have a manner of effects on the mind but overall it makes you deeply solemn about everything on earth. It is as if everything was thrown at you by the world and you didn't know how to handle it at all. I have this feeling now. I get this feeling a lot. I'm always down, grey and just really negative most of the time now, because I've been putting my academic work second in priority as first priority has been given to my girl... I don't know if this is the right way to go, nor do I know how I can reverse the priorities with the least amount of turbulence... But all I know is one thing, I'm stuck in a moment that I can't get out of. It's true. I just don't know how to handle anything, it's like when you're tackling a lot of things and you thinking that you're doing fine, but then another massive load of stuff gets thrown your way... And then you suddenly can't cope and you can't even do what you were doing before you got thrown the extra shit. I think that is me.

I'm almost immobile now. I'm immobile in the snow, my car get stuck every now and then, and my mind also gets stuck as well. My mind can't cope with the horrendous weather and the shit that comes with it. I'm feeling so alone, I don't know why. I really don't know why sometimes I get these bouts of emotion fluctuation. But I think a lot of it comes from not being able to respond and handle emotional and relationship matters properly, which is a big problem because... How do you go and sort some relationship problem out... When it's pulling you down? When it's getting you down in whatever you do... Whatever you see... Whatever you think...? Sometimes I feel like I just can't cope with it all and want to get away from it all... But I just can't bring myself to be so weak! I can't be weak because I know there are other people who are weaker than I am and need my protection and care... If I fall weak, then how will they cope on themselves? For this reason, I must stay strong, I mustn't fall, I must do better and I will do better until I can eventually release myself from this burden and all of this negativity... Just watch me... I can defeat this emotional low...

One Mustn't Grumble.

Don't know what it is lately. Just been so tired, tired from all the work I've got to do, tired of all the jobs I've undertake, tired of all the stress I'm burdened with... Guess one has to trudge along with it though sometimes, I mean, afterall aren't we born to deal with our own problems? We were born for a reason, I'm not sure what reason it was but I'm thinking it wasn't to be a burden on others or to take burdens from others.

It's been a while since I last picked up my metaphorical pen and wrote a blog, what's been up? Things have changed in a short period of time and I don't know whether I'm handling it all properly or not. I don't seem to have a direction anymore, I don't feel like I'm needed for anything anymore, just feel like I don't belong anywhere. Why does it always come to this? Why do I always feel like I'm the only one left out? Isolated? Does this make me depressed? Or does it provide a question to my way of life, the path I've taken, the things I've done? In the short 20 years I've been on the face of this Earth, I feel like I've done everything wrong, everything up to date is just wrong. I get the feeling like I need a restart button in my life, just take everything away from me and just let me start again, maybe this time round I will be able to do the right things... But that would be cheating, right?

In retrospective, I have made some pretty stupid mistakes in life... And to remind myself of them is twice as stupid, makes me feel a bit weird, makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't have done that after all... If I had the ability, the courage to do so, there's so many things to say to so many people regarding my past conduct... There's so much to say to the friends I didn't become friendlier with, so many more friends to be made! But I guess if it's come to this stage, the only way to go is forward, I guess that's why I'm still in existence really.

I have no idea what I'm saying, I'm not drunk but I'm not really in the right state of mind either... Things have happened today which... Generally speaking don't make me feel so good. I've been living a weird day today, it's been hard to get through all the way till now... How long will it be before I can truly express what is on my mind? Why do I have to keep things from other people? Why must I always be the one to stay silent and take things as they come along? I guess I'm just born with this duty, I wasn't built for voicing my opinions, I was made to bear the brunt of things, anything, anytime, anywhere. I always thought a blog would help me clear my mind... But even now, I feel insecure writing to a virtual space about myself, my experiences and my thoughts... Why have I not learnt to trust this entity yet? I'm sure that day will come soon, if not naturally, I'll have to force myself to place my trust in it because frankly speaking, I don't really know who to turn to now to release my mind...