Ah, yes the blues. The post-Christmas blues. Which I got before Christmas even started! In honesty, it's been a very hectic week and a bit for myself, there's been things happening and shit flying around and you know, just the bad things in life. I've been doing my best to counter all of this, I've been trying to keep up with the rest, been trying to feel what's right and forget the negativity of the recent events... That I could do. Well, not that I could, but I had to. I had to put it all behind me, or risk losing something of an ultimate importance to me. I guess that's what they call accelerated acceptance of something, because you don't get time or the opportunity to think about it, you just have to hurry up and swallow something because the consequences that lay in wait are too strong. Well, I've done that and I managed to avoid the deadly consequences of the matter and... Things still don't feel right.
I don't know how to put this the subtle way, but there are times in life where you just feel really lost and you don't know what to do... There are times where we all feel like we're alone and can't move on or feel like there isn't anyone to talk to about our own problems... But that's not my situation, those I've just stated do not apply to me because I do have someone to talk to, I don't feel entirely lost, but I just don't know how to deal with my next step... Normally I'll just say I'll cross a bridge when I come to it, but now that I'm at that bridge... I don't know how to cross it! I don't know what to do, how to deal with my issues, what to say and most importantly, I don't know how to face it. I cannot face my problems alone, I feel like my candle's been blown out and it's so hard to get it relit...
I have made some wrong decisions in life, and even really serious mistakes and recently some childish and selfish acts which have had an adverse effect on my life, which eventually led to a scarring of my heart. It's a scar, and it's still a wound- I still haven't recovered yet, mainly due to an immense fear of a repercussion... I've heard things that were untold of, things I didn't want to hear, things I didn't know and things I was doing wrong... But all this time I thought I was right, I thought I was going the right direction, thought it was okay... But this time, this time it was evidently not. I'm scared. I don;t know how to face it anymore, I feel like I'm adding a weight to the problems, but I'm still hanging on by a thread because it means so much to me... My life depends on it, it is like the sun to the flowers, or the sea to the fish it houses... She is my life source, I depend on her to keep me going...
Either way, I've got to put it all behind me. It's time to turn over a new leaf, I've got to change my ways and live up to expectations... I'm going to try and be a better man, and in general just a nicer guy... I guess that counts as an early New Year's resolution? I hope it works out, because right now I'm just a dump, and I hate to see myself like this... Give me strength.
Oh, and I wish everyone has a Happy New Year and all the best for 2011!
